MOUNTAIN DEW X-TREME GAME FUEL!!11

Okay, as a precursor, I was in a really, really horrible effing mood yesterday, and the snack wrap post was so obscene I turned it back into a draft until I unbitter myself enough to tone it down. Better today though.

Anyway, when I went to lunch today at the Nest, I was (of course) tempted by the delicious and irresistible combination of Halo 3 and Mountain Dew. It seems Pepsi, Bungie, and Microsoft execs sat down at a board meeting and said “hey, let’s come up with the nerdiest goddamn product ever created.” The result? Mountain Dew Game Fuel.

Surely by consuming this concoction I would imbue myself with the incredible strength and agility of the hero of Halo 3 himself, the amazing MASTER CHIEF.

This shit was practically glowing with the sickly orange glow of PURE POWER. I couldn’t wait any longer, so I flung off the cap in line and was on that soda like a nerd at a virgin convention.

Surely there must be some mistake, I thought, because Master Chief doesn’t get his abilities from what tastes like watered-down cherry Kool-Aid. Maybe Sodexho bottled this stuff themselves from the pop in the machines at Seacobeck. As I continued to consume the foul sludge which began to permeate my bloodstream, I did not feel the urge to go battle hoardes of alien elite.

What I did feel was regret. Only regret, because I had just consumed 290 calories worth of something that tasted like little more than carbonated water. Apparently the execs don’t get it either, because this particular flavor is so incomprehensibly ill-tasting, yet so incomprehensibly bad for you, that it doesn’t show up on Pepsi’s nutritional information website.

It’s pretty safe to assume that there is an inverse relationship between how bad something is for you and how good it tastes. That is, the worse it is for you, the better it tastes, and vice versa. Broccoli tastes like crap until you drown it in Velveeta, right? Right.

Well they messed this one up big time. Not only does it taste terrible, it’ll give you diabetes. Maybe they called it Game Fuel because it tastes like gasoline? I don’t know, I’ve never tasted gasoline, but if it tastes anything like this I’ll be steering clear.

In the end, there’s only one man whose powers I am enriched with from drinking this junk.

Hell, they should put Wilford Brimley on the Game Fuel bottle instead of Master Chief. This way, I’ll know who to call for medication after I’ve finished drinking from it.