On Change

Let me be frank: this is a very odd post for me. When it comes to writing, I’m usually not one to delve into my own psyche and explain it in a personal reflection, but I figure this might be worth sharing.

When we change as people, we usually don’t see it ourselves. I think this is ironic; we are in control of our own lives, but when they change, we don’t notice, and college seems to be one of those forces which generates a lot of change in people. Throughout my career here, I’ve seen the change in others, but often wonder if I’m still the same person.

What I’ve discovered is that every experience a person has dynamically affects them, that there’s no such thing as doing something the same way twice, and that we are constantly adaptive. Change is happening 100% of the time, gradually. Change springs up on us when we least expect it; even the realization of change is change. I have a good example.

I have realized in my exchanges, experiences, and confrontations with others that one of my personal abilities is a nearly infinite patience with people; an ability which I have narrowed down to working with computers, empathy, and being the eldest of three. Well, I was an impatient, complaining, whiny ass as a child.

Naturally, it’s convenient when we recognize our own abilities, but trying to find the evidence — or harder, the cause — of personal change can be frustrating, especially when we can see the effects. Luckily, however, the forces of change can sometimes make it obvious to you.

The other day, I had lunch with my former RA, someone I consider to be a pretty good friend. There were the typical yuks, good chat. I regret to say that I don’t see him as much as I’d like to. During our conversation, he said something to the effect of “wow, you’ve really undergone a personal metamorphosis since you were a freshman, you really seem like you’ve broken your shell.”

Well, this struck me as odd enough. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still the same bumbling idiot I was three and a half years ago, and the only person who thinks I’m cute is my mother.

I thought about what he said for a while, and came to the conclusion that much has changed since I got here. Even though it can be hard to tell, I do feel more comfortable with myself, and my experiences have taught me an enormous amount of knowledge about both myself and others. I thought about some of my experiences throughout my college career, saying to myself “had I not changed as a person, I never in a million years would’ve said or done that.” About a year ago, for example, I kissed a complete stranger after meeting her on an Amtrak train. A bold move for most, but for Joseph McMahon? Insane.

And that’s what it all comes down to; reflecting on your personal experiences, and giving them some thought. Part of why I’m writing this is to give you that extra nudge if you’re feeling frustrated. Once you’ve realized you’ve changed, realize that it’s probably for the better. It can be unsettling; when I got here this year, I asked myself I was really going to be ready to leave in 9 months or so.

Now that I’ve thought about it, I realize that I am, and I will be. I have adapted and changed greatly to the challenges which surround me, and will continue to do so. We all are both constantly adapting and changing. Therefore, bring it on.

Unless I fail out. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLZ